同一种调调

我一直在仔细审视着自己有没有离别的情绪,而结论总是(当我把某些情绪按照自己的逻辑一一剖析后):没有。我知道会有很多改变,我已经做好了欣赏这些改变的准备,但经过求导后“有改变”这件事本身,已经如同那n次在城市间迁徙以及各种长期或短期的旅行一样,再不能给我任何刺激或忐忑。

很多人,这边的和那边的,和我说某处福利如何不错但日子如何无聊如何只适合养老blah……基本都被我无视。事实上说这些话的人即使在国内,其生活方式和我也并没有太多交集,因此不觉得有什么借鉴意义。于是只臆想出两件需要忐忑的事:一是到了那边周围全是这种在养老的土人,越发找不到同好;又或者我在这边一直所坚持所抗争所追求的想法,过去后发现都是人家本来就约定俗成理所当然的观念,人生一下子没了意义。

出来的时候又下了阵雨。好像所有的氛围都很氛围的样子。她的状态她的迷然,仿佛再多待一会儿,或者一伸手,就可以再一起,好像n年前无数次梦想的那样,或者从n年前到现在无数次梦想的那样。然而我n年前就也预料到了现在这个场景,预料到现在的我比n年前还伸不出手去。一切仍然都在半路上,我精确地知道自己离开的时刻,从而在这一刻之前精确地花光了自己所有的资本:钱、IT技术基础、不能控制的感情。

于是又一次地bye,转过身走了,几十秒后突然一阵难抑的心痛。

之前和QL夜半走过光华楼,一只很瘦的小白猫像狗一样前前后后,却又很小心地围着我们跑,一直跟到lab门口。那神态让我想到了当年看《猫》时从Victoria眉眼间想到maggie时的样子。虽然很难理解为什么现在校园的伙食环境还会有猫瘦成这样子,但她那个样子实在让人抑制不住地想去包养。我尝试着泛起抛开签证留下来养着她的念头,又理所当然地把这种念头否决。我说服自己这种感情只是出于怜惜,因为怜惜而冲动不可取,所以这种想法不可取。鬼知道这逻辑是否正确,鬼知道是否是怜惜,好吧想到这里刚好是稳定态,我只想到这里。

她说也许最终我还是那样地生活吧,然后看着你各种不一样的生活,听你讲各种有趣的故事。这论调他妈的一点儿也不新鲜,我的好多以前的朋友都这么说过,仿佛我变成了大众图腾一样,这会让我和他们越来越没有共同语言的。我不要成为你的图腾,你才是我的图腾。那些为了追寻也不知道究竟是什么而忍受不开心和寂寞的日子,我一直在喃喃着你,乃至不清楚你和她哪一个才是真晰。

后来在北区楼下等着wave某人吃竹子的时候,一个男生打着伞拎着饭盒走到楼角,撒下些食物,周围的三只猫立刻奔过来吃,然后又走到另一片楼角去撒给那边的几只猫,最后走回来用北区门口的水管刷饭盒。这是我来上海后最开心的时刻。谢谢。

嗯,没错。同一种调调是因为我当初刚开始写歪酷那个blog时在听《叶惠美》,觉得这个歌名不错,就随手拿来做blog的名字,取的是尽管特立独行和而不同,但毕竟离不开某些大众本质之义。在歪酷那个模板的抬头还有两句话:赖着不走会让人很感冒,以上这道理我全都了。是同一张专辑中《她的睫毛》的歌词(某些tk能力强大的同学应该对这个名字有些熟了……)。后来搬家到wordpress时那两句话没地方摆,就只把同一种调调的标题搬了过来。现在在谷歌百度搜这个名字,都能在一堆周杰伦中挤进搜索结果的前十。但眼下似乎终于已经过了还在说“赖着不走”的阶段,所以近期一直在考虑要不要把blog换个名称换个theme,彻底新鲜一下了。

thy lord, thy king, thy governor

KATHERINA.

Fie, fie! unknit that threatening unkind brow, And dart not scornful glances from those eyes To wound thy lord, thy king, thy governor: It blots thy beauty as frosts do bite the meads, Confounds thy fame as whirlwinds shake fair buds, And in no sense is meet or amiable. A woman mov'd is like a fountain troubled, Muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of beauty; And while it is so, none so dry or thirsty Will deign to sip or touch one drop of it. Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper, Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee, And for thy maintenance commits his body To painful labour both by sea and land, To watch the night in storms, the day in cold, Whilst thou liest warm at home, secure and safe; And craves no other tribute at thy hands But love, fair looks, and true obedience; Too little payment for so great a debt. Such duty as the subject owes the prince, Even such a woman oweth to her husband; And when she is froward, peevish, sullen, sour, And not obedient to his honest will, What is she but a foul contending rebel And graceless traitor to her loving lord? I am asham'd that women are so simple To offer war where they should kneel for peace, Or seek for rule, supremacy, and sway, When they are bound to serve, love, and obey. Why are our bodies soft and weak and smooth, Unapt to toll and trouble in the world, But that our soft conditions and our hearts Should well agree with our external parts? Come, come, you froward and unable worms! My mind hath been as big as one of yours, My heart as great, my reason haply more, To bandy word for word and frown for frown; But now I see our lances are but straws, Our strength as weak, our weakness past compare, That seeming to be most which we indeed least are. Then vail your stomachs, for it is no boot, And place your hands below your husband's foot: In token of which duty, if he please, My hand is ready; may it do him ease.

William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew", 《驯悍记》
ACT V. SCENE II.

昨晚北大的演出,英国TNT剧团。太感动了,这段拿出来背一下~~